Infertile Couples:
Hints for surviving sex by clockwork

by
Dr. Amy Demner, LMHC
Licensed Psychotherapist and Sexologist

Couples struggling to conceive face a number of challenges, not the least of which is a seemingly more mechanical approach to intimacy. Feelings of disappointment, inadequacy, guilt and embarrassment are so strong, bringing romance back into the relationship seems impossible. Especially challenging are the strict medical requirements for conception, as getting in the mood on demand is NOT easy for most couples.

Although infertility is a serious and stressful experience, couples can find support and useful guidance during such a time. Below, for example, are a few ideas for rekindling the bedroom flame:

Reinforce positive feelings
Often, the person having the physical difficulty will feel ashamed or “broken.” The partner must be extra sensitive and provide plenty of nurturing. Caressing touches, for example, do wonders for helping your partner feel better about his or her body. Anyone who feels self-conscious physically will have difficulty relaxing during sex. So, reinforce all the things you love about your partner.

Focus on the senses
Work together to discover the senses that help each of you get in the mood. If it’s smell, light candles. If you’re visual, add elements to your bedroom in your favorite colors. Touch can be enhanced with satin sheets, lambskin rugs or velvet pillows. Hungry? Try flavored body paints or a can of whipped cream. Your favorite music playing in the background is always a good mood-setter also.

Lighten Up
Learning to laugh is one of the best aphrodisiacs. Try to relax and take your mind off a very serious situation, by doing the unexpected or ridiculous. Meet your lover at the door wearing a big nose and funny wig. Place a silly blow-up doll between the sheets. Follow your own sense of humor and ease the stress.

Learn about variety
Remember, sex is supposed to be fun. Use this time to try new positions or do things you’ve never done before. Take turns being in control. Experiment with sex toys. Try new locations.

Make your bedroom a special place
Working as a team, consider making changes in your bedroom that help create a more welcoming room for intimacy, a place that reflects your love for each other and happy memories. Remove photos of anything except the two of you being happy together. Eliminate or cover up computers or any work-related materials. Change anything that even hints of a sterile, clinic-like environment. Consider soft fabrics, bedposts, or any decorative changes that help create an atmosphere of good feelings.

If these or other activities fail to work, you may want to consider professional counseling with someone who specializes in relationships and sex-related issues.

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